Motherhood?

NEVER have I doubted more my "calling" (futuristic) to be a mother. Today was horrible. I'm 15 years older than my littlest sister... WHY why whywhywhywhy is she soooooooo agitating sometimes???? I do believe part of it is being the youngest of 7 and having a niece just a couple years younger than she is; the competition for attention. And another part is that I really don't know how I will ever get control of my temper. This raging anger that comes over me. Makes me yell and scream. Just wanting her to get the stink away and stay away. Just until I feel like I can talk to her without sounding like I want to ship her off to some place else. Maybe I'm the one that needs to get the crow out of town. This (this horribleness) is the part of my that I know exists, and my family knows exists, that almost no one else does. Others don't know this. That is why they think I'm a kind, nice, loving, sweet person. I'm not trying to boast...quite the opposite. Those are adjectives other people have used to describe me. It's because  I know this ugliness is inside of me that I that I almost can't help but laugh when people say stuff like that. I feel like laughing, but it also makes me a little scared...How can they not know? If they don't see this side of me, what sides of others am I not seeing? And I feel like such a hypocrite. Because when they say stuff like that I just...it makes me uncomfortable, but I don't try and tell them opposite. Sometimes I do...but then I feel like they just think I'm being modest falsely.
I don't think I should be  mom. But I feel that if I don't be a mom there will be this gash of emptiness in me for not being a mother. Motherhood is a deep desire of mine...I don't want to be constantly fighting the anger and frustration...I don't want to be an angry mom. I want to be like my mom. Loving and caring to a level that I still cannot comprehend.

After writing that I am much less angry. Now my back just hurts from sitting on my bed without back support. And while I do believe I have an anger issue (I need to research anger problems...) I am slightly reassured by the knowledge that I do not stay mad. If I go to bed upset, frustrated, agitated, I have yet to wake up unhappy. A few hours or some sleeping time and the part of me that is not angry is in control again. My angry self is not in control the majority of the time. Usually my happy(ish) self has the reigns.