Motherhood?

NEVER have I doubted more my "calling" (futuristic) to be a mother. Today was horrible. I'm 15 years older than my littlest sister... WHY why whywhywhywhy is she soooooooo agitating sometimes???? I do believe part of it is being the youngest of 7 and having a niece just a couple years younger than she is; the competition for attention. And another part is that I really don't know how I will ever get control of my temper. This raging anger that comes over me. Makes me yell and scream. Just wanting her to get the stink away and stay away. Just until I feel like I can talk to her without sounding like I want to ship her off to some place else. Maybe I'm the one that needs to get the crow out of town. This (this horribleness) is the part of my that I know exists, and my family knows exists, that almost no one else does. Others don't know this. That is why they think I'm a kind, nice, loving, sweet person. I'm not trying to boast...quite the opposite. Those are adjectives other people have used to describe me. It's because  I know this ugliness is inside of me that I that I almost can't help but laugh when people say stuff like that. I feel like laughing, but it also makes me a little scared...How can they not know? If they don't see this side of me, what sides of others am I not seeing? And I feel like such a hypocrite. Because when they say stuff like that I just...it makes me uncomfortable, but I don't try and tell them opposite. Sometimes I do...but then I feel like they just think I'm being modest falsely.
I don't think I should be  mom. But I feel that if I don't be a mom there will be this gash of emptiness in me for not being a mother. Motherhood is a deep desire of mine...I don't want to be constantly fighting the anger and frustration...I don't want to be an angry mom. I want to be like my mom. Loving and caring to a level that I still cannot comprehend.

After writing that I am much less angry. Now my back just hurts from sitting on my bed without back support. And while I do believe I have an anger issue (I need to research anger problems...) I am slightly reassured by the knowledge that I do not stay mad. If I go to bed upset, frustrated, agitated, I have yet to wake up unhappy. A few hours or some sleeping time and the part of me that is not angry is in control again. My angry self is not in control the majority of the time. Usually my happy(ish) self has the reigns.

Bedtime

I've been letting my bedtimes get out of whack again D:  This is the second night in a row that I've stayed up past 3am....makes the next day heck if I have to get up before 11:30 -_-' I should really get to sleep soon. I had considered writing a post about being pretty (my thoughts about this will be voiced, just not now), but I decided that I had too much to say about that. It would most definitely take me longer than 3-5 minutes to write. I'm actually considering pre-writing it as a word document. Most other bloggers might pre-write their blogs as a separate document, I don't know. I just know that I am not in the habit.
Ah, really quickly before I post this without proof-reading because I REALLY need to put my lil' head down on my super comfy pillow, I want to inform you of my infatuation with the group Nell (넬). They make lovely music, and I really wish I had their albums~~~~ (and my font changed and I don't care enough to get it back the way it was before...it's a little better than it was...maybe it really is the same as it was earlier and I just can't tell?? :P I think I ought to go to bed.
Night to all!
Always, the one who chose the name pyrojumper because of many hours of playing imaginary games where she had fire as her "super" capability and also discovered that she loved flying horses (and riding the horses as they flew). ^.^

Friendships

I have two friends in my life whom I always think of when I look at the stars. You both light up my life in different ways. You've never met each other and I don't think you ever will. Even though you're both still part of my life, I may never have the same closeness to one of you again. Too many years have passed. But you're still in my stars. In all actuality, I may never experience the same closeness with either of you again. For the one whom I have not been able to spend time with in years, this does not surprise me but it does still make me sad. Maybe not exactly sad...more melancholic. But part of melancholia is sadness. For the other "you"...I won't be able to see you for a few years. I cannot begin to know where I will be or where you will go from there. I can hypothesize, but nothing concrete. I dislike this not knowing.

When you look at the stars or the moon, do you think of me?